2009 Nationals Preview: Why We'll Win

By Justice Feelgood Marshall, Last updated Fri Nov 13 2009 6:14am

In the runup to Nationals, DNN contacted members of each team and asked them all the same question:

"Why is your team going to win Nationals?"

As expected, we got a pretty wide variety of answers, which we're more than happy to share with you as morning breaks on the third WFTDA championship tournament. (We didn't get a response in time from the Texas Rollergirls, but we're pretty confident that this video answers the question rather effectively.)

Shocka Conduit, Windy City Rollers

Number 1: We've all been on a strict diet of macrobiotics and superfood casseroles since January. 

Number 2: Jet packs.  It's all about the jet packs. 

Number 3: Megan and Varla had every bone in their bodies replaced with a Grade 35 Titanium Alloy which makes them virtually indestructible. 

Number 4: We've got the drive, desire, and teamwork to do it!  In all seriousness, Windy City is a constantly evolving force, strategically and athletically.  I'm really proud of what we've achieved so far this season. All of the teams at Nationals are great, and we want to prove that we've got what it takes to be the greatest!    

Assaultin' Pepa, Rocky Mountain Roller Girls

As much as RMRG would love to win nationals, we are excited just to be there. We plan on taking it one bout at a time and skating as well as we can.

Sure we want to win, and we have been training to do so, but we are just happy to be going to Philly this year. Rocky Mountain is looking forward to playing against the best teams in the nation. We’ll learn a lot. Win or lose, it will be a valuable experience for our league.

Allie Gator, Mad Rollin' Dolls

The Dairyland Dolls are going to win 'cause of the experience we're bringing to the track. Jewels of Denial, Mouse, & Dolly Pardon Me have been turning left since 2004, and that's just the beginning. We've got a roster stacked with formidable and talented skaters ready to tear it up in Philly. Throw in a bit of rookie magic and you've got a tournament upset on your hands. Plus, we've got that mad cow glint in our eyes. We came for a fight, and we fight to win. So dust off those cowbells, derby fans, and get ready for a healthy dose of calcium!

Annie Maul, Kansas City Roller Warriors

Some things you may or may not know about the KCRW All Star team:
 
Annie Maul was once a mermaid and led the mighty seahorses on their valiant crusade against the 1,000 year oppressive rule of the barnacles.

Bad Omen can twirl a flaming baton with her toes while doing a hand stand on a tight rope.

Bella Fire can make a man's heart explode with her mind.

Bombpop can shoot down pterodactyls with her freeze-ray eyes.

Bruz-Her pisses the elixir of everlasting life.

Damsel of D'Tension took the summer to travel the universe spreading cheer and goodwill on behalf of mankind.

Delia Death took the whole team to heaven on vacation. (She's in good with the Big Guy.)

Eclipse is currently in charge of not letting gravity get out of control. You don't even want to know what would happen if she called in sick.

Hall Balls has jumped across the Grand Canyon (without a net).

Hayley Vomit won the coveted apprenticeship to Willy Wonka's factory and lifestyle.

Jessika Rabid taught penguins how to be the cutest creature ever including, but not limited to, the penguin dance.

Missile Toes invented electricity. You're welcome.

Princess Slay-ya commands the attention of all the beasts in the forest with a single swish of her hips.

Ritaploy is a rocket surgeon.

Ruth Canal can herd cats.

Scratch n Tiff farts confetti and sneezes fruit punch. Party!

Strawberry Cutthroat can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Track Rat comes from the blood line of the first ninja, hence the unrivaled nunchuck skills.

Tuff Noogies is behind the success of all Superwoman's good deeds but is too humble to take the credit.

Coach Death was the one who introduced MC Hammer to "Hammer” pants.

Coach Ice currently sits at the head of the octagonal table, successor to the round table of King Arthur.
 
With all this supreme awesomeness, winning Nationals is a no brainer. Duh.