LOS ANGELES, CA --  In June’s “Battle on the Bank” tournament, Team Awesome burned and buried the commonly held maxim that a roller derby team would have to practice for months on a banked track to be competitive against banked track teams. The pick-up team composed entirely of accomplished flat track skaters bested the banked track veteran Lonestar Rollergirls (TXRD), and matched the banked track vet LA Derby Dolls point for point into overtime.  

Truth be told, higher level flat track teams seem to take to the bank like a fish to water, bringing expert tactical knowledge that works as well in 3D as it does in 2 dimensions.

“Santa’s Little Helpers.” constructed with similar principles in mind to Team Awesome by stalwart flat track derby veteran and founder of AZ Roller Derby and Sin City Rollergirls, Ivanna S. Pankin, featured both banked and flat track vets, and members of the banked/flat hybrid San Diego Derby Dolls, the league Ivanna and Trish the Dish have recently joined as their latest adventure.

While billed as an exhibition game, the matchup also served a larger purpose as another proving ground in a banked track/flat track mad science project. Refining some of the pathologies out of the BotB rules like the confounding “Last Jam Major” procedures, and bringing the ejection thresholds and policies more in line with those being used by the WFTDA, the game was a first look at whether the proto-banked track rules were headed in the right direction.

The Ri-Ettes-SLH game featured more than the usual LADD pomp with KISS bassist Gene Simmons playing acoustic guitar while daughter Sophie sang the national anthem, while cameras taped the event for the “Gene Simmons Family Jewels” reality show. 

Read the archived boutcast here.

At the first whistle, SLH blasted out of the chute with a 3-0 lead when AZRD’s Denise Lightning shot out of the pack while SLH concentrated their defense shackling LADD’s top jammer, Mila Minute, to the pack. In the first three jams, SLH jammers Miss Fortune (RCRG) and Cheapskate (GGRD), taking advantage of a Ri-Ettes defense in disarray and assisted by a tight pack walling defense and an effective rear guard, brought SLH’s tally up to a strong leading 9-1.  

But by the sixth jam LADD was starting to feel their groove, holding SLH to 2 points while racking six up themselves, as Mila Minute brought the score to 11-7. Looking to stop the trend, SLH called a time-out to regroup, and pulled ahead 19-9 ...  but closing out the first quarter, the Ri-Ettes reversed SLH’s opening gambit, going on a  9-1 tear the last four jams, which brought the margin to a miniscule 1 point lead for the SLH, 20-19.

The 5 minute quarter break seemed to give LADD a chance to regroup. In the second jam of the 2nd quarter, Mila Minute picked up a 2 points before calling the jam, giving LA its first lead of the game, 21-19.  Next up, when Kung Pow Tina took the star for the Ri-Ettes, the LADD defense held SLH jammer prisoner in the pack while Tina blasted out to take lead. As the SLH defense tried to jailbreak their jammer with a defense dogfight, KPT hurled herself through the pack and went on for a rare-to-banked-track second scoring pass. KPT earned a double grand slam 10-0 for LADD, bringing LADD’s freshly minted lead to 31-20.  

But in the next jam, Gori Spelling was up against Cheapskate, SLH holding Spelling in check while Cheapskate went for a two pass run, running out the clock to the tune of 6 points and closing the gap to 31-26. 

In the next six jams, Santa’s Little Helpers managed to whittle the LADD’s lead down to as little as four points, when LADD’s score languished at 36, and SLH squeaked in a single point. That was even after Miss Fortune handed the Ri-Ettes their second power jam.  

Steely Jan, jamming for SLH from San Diego, went up against Mila Minute next and both jammers wasted no time, going for personal jammer on jammer combat all the way. Mila edged out Steely on the scoring run, racking up another four points for LADD while Steely Jan squeaked out two points before Mila Minute called off the jam, pushing the four point spread out to six and ending the half with a 40-34 LA lead.

Both teams had been employing similar defensive tactics from what is currently the standard derby strategic tool kit. As the teams learned who was most effective in the pack, they’d been putting multiple blockers to neutralize their effectiveness.  Defensively, the teams had a hard time gaining any real long term advantage over one another, the main cause of scoring differential being either avoidance of or sentencing to the penalty box.  It also seemed like everyone was paying attention in school while they were up in Portland playing in or watching the Northwest Knockdown last month. The LADD jammers appeared to employ harder stops when knocked into the infield, avoiding the penalty box for advancing their position.  

Nonetheless, whenever anyone left Krissy Krash or Demanda Riot unguarded, they were destruction machines. Krash would literally check people left and right when she was in her groove, leaving a trail of SLH bodies strewn on the track -- who sometimes took out LADD skaters with uncontrolled friendly fire in a kinetic exchange of ballistic physics. But Krash was rarely unguarded for any length of time.

Second Half

As the second half opened, the 3rd quarter started with frenzied energy in the pack as the rested skaters put their recharged mojo to the track. Skaters flung all over the track, popping up without missing a beat.  But it cost SLH, as Cheapskate once again took her seat in the box with the star and LA took full advantage of it, as Kung Pow Tina widened LA’s lead to 11 points for the second time in the game, 49-38.

SLH seemed to be largely neutralized and it appeared that if the trend was not reversed soon, it would be all over long before the end of the game. LA was handed its fourth power jam by Miss Fortune, and it made a bad situation just a little worse.  On her next up at bat a few jams later Miss Fortune challenged Mila Minute in what had to be the fastest jammer race in the game, but Mila edged Fortune out to take a pair, call it, and widen the LA lead to 19 points: 58-39.

But things started to look up for Santa’s Little Helpers.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and as Ivanna S. Pankin took on Krissy Krash, Demanda Riot took Krissy out the way Krissy Krash had been taking almost everyone else out. Krash was held back in the pack where she tried to redeploy as a blocker, but Ivanna held her ground and took SLH’s first grand slam since the second half began, narrowing the gap 58-44. Smarty Pants further narrowed the lead by a single point before the close of the 3rd quarter, but Santa’s Little Helpers still remained the underdog with a 13 point deficit at 58-45.  

It wasn’t looking good for Santa’s Little Helpers as the Ri-Ettes exploited SLH’s penalties and laid on an aggressive and consistently effective defense. Still, 13 points could be two jams away with just a couple of lucky breaks for SLH, and unlucky ones for LA. Things could have been much worse at this point with SLH putting four power jams under the Ri-Ettes’ menorah and LA barely able to optimize the opportunity.

But with a still daunting 13 point lead, Santa’s Little Helpers could not afford to do anything but keep the star on the track.  

With five minutes to regroup between the quarters, that’s exactly what SLH did as the 4th quarter opened:

After the teams traded wins in the first couple of fourth-quarter jams to make it LA 61, SLH 49, the visiting team would go on an unanswered run that would put them in position to take over the lead late. SLH's Miss Fortune followed up with a 3-0, bringing LA’s lead under 10 points since the opening jams of the 3rd quarter. Next up, SLH blockers Ivanna and Goodie Two Skates held Haught Wheels in the pack long enough for Smarty Pants to open a half lap lead, Smarty got into the pack and was taken to the rail, and Smarty cut off the action there. SLH held LA back and narrowed the lead to 61-55.  

Ri-Ettes blocker Amber Alert would then keep the next SLH jammer Steely Jan to just a 1-0 on her scoring run, but that was one more mark on the points tree for SLH while LA got bupkiss, putting the score at 61-56 with just under 10 minutes to play.

SLH was clearly focusing on their defense while sacrificing the big scoring runs, and every time the LADD skater barely got out, there was a blocker getting ahead of her and sucking her back into the pack to be engulfed by ‘Helpers.

With LA down blockers,  Ivanna got the jump on Mila out of the pack and held her lead as Mila closed the gap. Ivanna passed one Ri-Ettes blocker and called it, continuing a strategy of closing on LA by inches -- and it worked out even better this time, as she picked up “out of play” points for a 3-1 that got SLH within three points of the Ri-Ettes: 62-59.

Cheapskate, representing 2008 WFTDA champs Gotham, would be the one to finally get the lead back for SLH on the subsequent jam. She took the lead ahead of Krissy Krash, and LADD tried to run, but Santa’s Little Helpers captured an LA goat and hauled back the pack, giving Cheapskate a clean opening for a grand slam that made it Santa's Little Helpers 64, LA Ri-Ettes 62 with 6:30 left to play.

Miss Fortune wasn't about to let Kung Pow Tina take lead jammer, but Kung Pow poured on the afterburners trying to close in on her as they approached for their scoring passes. Fortune hit the pack first and grabbed two more points, but the call off was too late and KPT grabbed a point for LA. SLH held the lead 66-63 with 4:38 left.

SLH's Steely Jan took on Krissy Krash as the clock ticked down, and the seemingly unstoppable juggernaut Krash found herself whipped right into  the path of an SLH blocker at the head of the pack. Steely got bogged as well, as the focus of her blockers was to stop Krash and Steely was hung out to dry. Krissy Krash broke out with Steely not far behind -- but it was just enough space for Krash to post a 3-0 and tie up the game with 3 minutes left to play, 66-66.

The following jam, a rematch between Miss Fortune and Kung Pow Tina, would do nothing to break the stalemate. Fortune took lead while Trish the Dish held Kung Pow Tina in the pack, but Fortune would get taken to the rail early in her scoring pass. While she was struggling to add points, KPT escaped the pack and closed fast. Fortune’s struggles through the pack distracted her and by the time she called it, KPT had entered the pack at speed and the jam would end 2-2. The score stayed tied, 68-68.

With less than 1:46 on the clock, Ivanna S. Pankin took the star for SLH vs. Mila Minute for LA. Smarty Pants and Goodie Two Skates tied up Mila at the front of the pack, but she still got out first when the blockers had to let her go at 20 feet. Mila hit the pack with moments to spare and racked three before calling it, denying SLH a score. With 46 seconds remaining, LA was leading 71-68, seemingly within easy striking range of SLH.

But after two lengthy, unrelated delays, SLH wouldn't get that shot. First, there was an injury stoppage as SLH's Goodie Two Skates, representing Portland's Rose City, was very slow to get up after that last jam -- though she was eventually able to stand up and return to the team bench to much crowd approval. It appeared that the last jam would feature Krissy Krash against Ivanna S. Pankin for the win ... but Ivanna was pulled off the jam line as a lengthy ref conference would eventually suck in the penalty trackers and both team captains.

When it all broke up, Ivanna would have to take a seat in the penalty box ... with the star on. Considering the apparent involvement of the penalty trackers, it might have been for minor accumulation -- but the effect was obvious. Though there were still 46 seconds on the clock, the game was over already for SLH, as they wouldn't be able to field a jammer in the last jam. Though they fought hard as time expired, the wind was out of their sails and Krissy Krash got through to score another three for LA.  

FINAL SCORE: LADD Ri-Ettes 75, Santa’s Little Helpers 68.

While the teams were a dead even match, this game reflected much of what we saw in Nationals. Jammer penalties can tip the scales when all other things seem equal.

The amazing thing about Santa’s Little Helpers was that they’d only had a few hours to practice together. More amazing than even Team Awesome, which had already played a number of games together before playing the Battle on the Bank. SLH also had a wider mix of derby cultures than TA, drawing from banked track TXRD and the bi-traxual SDDD as well as accomplished flat track skaters.  And Ivanna S. Pankin and Trish the Dish’s involvement with SDDD is an interesting development in itself.

For the most part, the changes in the banked track interleague rules seem to have mitigated the pathologies of the Battle on the Bank rules. The game appeared to go more smoothly, and there were no surprises at the end, though there were disappointments.  

Stats not available yet.

LA Ri-Ettes: Amber Alert! // Broadzilla //Gori Spelling // Haught Wheels // Iron Maiven (Captain)// Krissy Krash // Kubonator // Kung POW Tina// Laguna Beyatch // Minute (Mila Minute) // Myna Threat // P.I.T.A. // Paris Killton // Tawdry Tempest // Venus De Maul'r

Santa’s Little Helpers: Aunt Flo, San Diego Derby Dolls // Bonnie D. Stroir, San Diego Derby Dolls // Denise Lightning, AZ Roller Derby // Isabelle Ringer, San Diego Derby Dolls // Ivanna S. Pankin, San Diego Derby Dolls (formerly AZRD and Sin City) // Miss Fortune, Rat City Rollergirls // Ms. D'fiant,  Angel City Derby Girls (formerly Savannah Derby Devils) // Ruthless Killa, San Diego Derby Dolls // Smarty Pants, Lonestar Rollergirls // Steely Jan, San Diego Derby Dolls // Trish the Dish,  San Diego Derby Dolls  (also formerly AZRD and Sin City) // Demanda Riot,  B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls // Goodie 2 Skates,  Rose City Rollers // Cheapskate, Gotham Girls Roller Derby (formerly Lonestar Rollergirls)

Additional reporting: Hurt Reynolds
Photos: Michael Zampelli