In the kickoff doubleheader for Kansas City’s 2008 home season, the Dreadnought Dorothys begin a quest for their third championship in a row, while the Victory Vixens will be looking for their first win since 2006. The second bout finds the Knockouts going up against the Black-Eye Susans.

The Dorothys and Vixens teams have faced each other three times in the history of KCRW, with the Dorothys coming out on top every time. The Dorothys have been a traditionally defensive team, featuring the accurately named Bruz-Her along with Patti Wackin and Jessika Rabid dispensing pain in the pack, but also come in with the benefit of one of the most dangerous jammers in the sport in Snot Rocket. Word has it, though, that Bruz-Her is developing as a jammer as well, having gotten some star time in during KCRW’s last game against the Denver Roller Dolls. Three rookies suit up for the Dorothys: Durhammer, Scratch N Tiff, and Witty Twister.

The Victory Vixens are led by captain Annie Maul and co-captain Ritaploy, both mainstays on the WFTDA champion all-star team. Annie, Dee Claw and Missile Toes will likely be the primary jammers for the Vixens. New blood includes rookies Aub-Struction and Ruth Canal, and this bout will also feature the debut of ex-Boston star Ivana Clobber as a Victory Vixen.

For the second bout, the Susans came out on top in their last two meetings with the Knockouts, but it won’t be easy to make it three in a row — the Knockouts have a deadly jammer duo of Texas Shootout MVP Xcelerator and Dominant Jean, along with Princess Slay-Ya, named KCRW’s best blocker in 2007. Jammers to watch on the Susan’s side will be Connie Magic and all-star Jade Lightning, and in the pack they’ve got Xavia, who proved herself one of the toughest blockers in the nation during 2007 tournament play.

Additional reporting: Ivana Clobber, Annie Maul

The states of Michigan and Ohio once went to war with each other over Toledo. These days, the states confine their competition to the sports realm. On Saturday, March 29, that sports rivalry manifests itself in the flat-track roller derby match between the visiting Burning River Roller Girls from Cleveland and the host Detroit Derby Girls. While the “Toledo War” of the 1830s was bloodless, at least bumps and bruises are guaranteed in the “roller derby” war that will start promptly at 7:00 pm.

So far, the Detroit Derby Girls have owned the Ohio Roller Girls, Detroit winning both matches between those two squads. This will be the first matchup between Detroit and Burning River. Detroit is ranked #8 by WFTDA, Burning River is unranked due to not having yet played enough interleague games to qualify for a ranking. Detroit has won its last two travel team games, defeating Sin City (Las Vegas) 129-75 and (Columbus) Ohio 105-57 after losing to Rat City (Seattle) 160-50 at the National Championships last September. Burning River’s last three travel squad games were a 176-148 loss to Steel City (Pittsburgh), a 157-108 win vs. Cincinnati, and a 102-68 loss to Naptown (Indianapolis).

Burning River’s roster looks to be jammers CoCo Sparx, Eva Lucien, Professor Booty, Rogue Cheddar, Stroker Ace, and The Validator. Ivanna Destroya and Pretty Scarrie are listed as pivots, and blockers are Mata Hari, MILFinator, Mommy’s Little Monster, Morbid Cherub, Slaughterama Mama, and Soul Eater. Naturally, players can be expected to skate at more than one position in the course of a game.

Detroit is led by super jammer Racer McChaseHer. Expect other Detroit jammers to come from the group of Effin’ Money, Honey Suckit, Kat Von D’Stroya, and Polly Fester. Elle McFearsome can be expected to pivot a majority of the time, and blockers are Bikini Killer, Cookie Rumble, Damsel Distesser, Devil Kitty, Diesel Doll, Fatal Femme, Rude Awakening, and Summers Eve-L.

The game is in the Drill Hall inside the Masonic Temple, 500 Temple Ave. in downtown Detroit. Doors open at 6:00 pm, the game starts at 7:00 pm. Tickets are $12 in advance, $15 at the door. Kids younger than 12 are free when accompanied by an adult. See detroitderbygirls.com for more info. The Detroit Derby Girls have sold out their last four home games, so hopefully you already have your ticket for this game!

ST. PAUL, MN — In the second bout of Minnesota’s March 22 doubleheader, the Rockits shattered the Dagger Doll defense and held the Dolls back to a mere four points in the second half, soundly defeating them 56-21.

Dagger Doll speedster Roxanne Rolls returned to the jammer line for the first time in 2008 to the cheers of Dolly groupies everywhere. Taking her on was Harmony Killerbruise for the Rockits. Roxanne took the lead jam by a hair and darted ahead of Killerbruise in the lapping sprint. However, the Rockits blockers took down both Sweet Justice and Mary Tyler Roar behind Roxanne, giving Harmony several targets to pass in Roxy’s blind spot before the Dagger Doll called off the jam.

Sparkle Ninja took the lead in the next jam and Barbie Brawl shepherded her through the lapping pass with Rockit jammer Vuedoo Prodigy just a few strides behind. Sparkle evened up the score to 6-5 with the Rockits just a point ahead. The crowd rumbled as longtime rivals Rebel Stella and Jawbreaker stepped to the line, and with the second whistle, the two jammers were off. Stella stole momentum off of fellow Dolly Sinnamin, but it was Jawbreaker who would take the lead. Lapping hard, Jawbreaker blurred past the Doll blockers for a quick four and called off the jam before Stella could earn more than a single point for the Dolls, moving the tally to Rockits 10, Dolls 6.

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ST PAUL, MN — In the teaser of the upcoming April bout for third place, the Atomic Bombshells returned from early setbacks to sneak past the Garda Belts in an astonishing (and often confusing) 40 minute bout, 37-29.

The first jam of the night began with Mitzi Massacre of the Bombshells and Suzie Smashbox of the Garda Belts touching off for a scoreless jam. The Bonesetter, Marilyn Monrogue, and Lizzy the Axe found answers to Smashbox’s speed, leap-frogging past to bury Suzie in blockers. ABS co-captain Cleosplatra broke through the pack in the next jam with GB Angelfire on her wheeled heels. Each earned 4 points, despite heavy resistance from the ABS front line of Chinese Takeout and Bonesetter.

Lizzy blew past the Garda Belt defense next, putting up a 4-0 in just a minute and allowing the Bombshells to go ahead 8-4. Suzie returned to the line against ABS newcomer Sugar Cain, and Suzie kicked it into top gear on the straightaway, lapping Sugar Cain and speeding for five against the Bombshells. Meantime, Cain fell victim repeatedly to off-color Garda Belt blocker Tiki Torture. The scoreboard showed Garda Belts 9, Atomic Bombshells 8 with just over 11 minutes to go in the half.

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MADISON, WI — The Reservoir Dolls faced a prospect unimaginable to them during the previous three MRD seasons – not only a losing season, but going 0-3. With a win against the ResDolls, the Unholy Rollers would also find themselves in strange territory with a winning season. In the end, neither happened in the second bout of the Mad Rollin’ Dolls’ regular season finale, although the ResDolls 85-68 win wasn’t without moments open to these possibilities.

The Reservoir Dolls defense blanked the Unholies jammers for long stretches of the first half. Only Jewels of Denile proved an able scorer against the ladies in black, scoring 17 of her teams’ 31 first half points in just two jams. Lead by team captain Mouse’s speed, five Dolls jammers steadily built up a 43-31 lead by half.

A star pass from Mouse to Crackerjack to start the second half wasn’t productive as the Dolls might have wished. With two minutes of her own to score, Jewels of Denile limited the play’s advantage to only two points, 8-6. In the following jam, the Unholies’ defense frustrated Tatum Tantrum while rookie Tango Muerte put together a 10-0 jam over almost two full minutes. The Unholies were within four points of the Dolls. With two Dolls in the penalty box, the Unholies’ Mack the Knife put her team ahead 56-55 in the following jam. It seemed as if victory was about to slip away from the Dolls again.

It wasn’t to be. Hacksaw added nine on a two minute jam with the Unholies’ jammer in the box, then Mouse added five. With these five points Mouse became the second player in MRD history (after Jenny Knoxville) to pass the 500 points scored mark. A scary moment followed when Crackerjack, as jammer, went down hard after getting a helmet to the jaw. After a few minutes down and surrounded by her friends, the flat track icon made it to the EMT station under her own power.

Adding insult to CJ’s injury, the Dolls’ jammer also went to the box. With only three skaters on the track, the Reservoir Dolls’ defense shut down the Unholies’ Back Doris. Tatum Tantrum came out of the box to grab the lead and avert a possible disaster for the Dolls. From this point on, the Dolls jammers captured the remaining leads, while their defense was almost impenetrable. Over the final twelve minutes of play, the Unholies managed only 13 points to 30 for the Reservoir Dolls. Final score, 85-68 Reservoir Dolls.

On April 12, the Madison playoff kick off as regular season champs the Quad Squad face off once again with the Unholy Rollers, while the Reservoir Dolls start their quest for three championships in a row as they take on the Vaudeville Vixens.

Photography: newlow

MADISON, WI — Somehow, out of the confusion and uncertainty that’s flat track derby, the Quad Squad look like they have everything under control, even when behind in the score with time running out. Facing a determined Vaudeville Vixen team, the Quads trailed most of the game, but stayed cool and out played the Vixens in the final 7:30 with a 17-4 run and a 77-76 victory.

The two teams skated very evenly in the first half, often with the jammers skating in tandem while both defenses displayed solid discipline. Even jammer penalties had little effect on the point spread. The score at half was 43-39 in favor of the Vaudeville Vixens.

A jammerless jam half way through the second period resulted in Darling Nikki wearing the star for the Vixens. When the stop whistle blew on this, the 17th jam of the bout, Nikki had put together an 8-0 jam and the Vixens had the largest lead of the night at 72-60. It was at this point that the Quad machine kicked in. Thunder Kitten and Jenny Knoxville traded jams for the Quads, always settling for four points or less and relying on the defense to do the rest. In the second to last jam, Jenny Knoxville sped around the defense on the outside, grabbing two points and called the jam with less than a half minute remaining. The Quads had a one point margin and the game. Always the smart player, Knoxville did no more than necessary to get the win.

Both the Vixens and Quads are tight teams, and they play like it. It’s hard to find any one moment or player who turned the game, but if one had to choose, it would the defensive play of the Quads’ Stitch down the stretch. As either pivot or blocker, she was always at the front of the pack, seemingly knowing the opposing jammer’s moves before she made them. While Thunder Kitten had another 40 point night and Jenny Knoxville showed her smarts and steely competitiveness, Stitch shut down the Vixens’ jammers one after the other when it mattered most.

Madison’s playoffs begin on April 12, as regular season champs the Quad Squad face off once again with the Unholy Rollers, while two-time champions the Reservoir Dolls seek payback for their January loss to the Vaudeville Vixens.

Photography: newlow

Ed. note — post corrected — Tornado Alley All-Stars played, not local team Cell Block 9 as previously posted. My bad. — JFM

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — The Death Row Rumblers, a local team from the Dallas Derby Devils, got some long-awaited revenge on Oklahoma City’s Tornado Alley Roller Girls, defeating the hosting team 123 to 75. In November, the Rumblers had met some of the team skating as Oklahoma Roller Derby at a half time expo bout. OKRD was composed of skaters from TARG and the Green Country Roller Girls, and that time the Oklahoma team pasted the Rumblers 78-25. Since that time, though, it appears Dallas took stock of the team and changed a few things up.

The Rumblers’ Postal Penny gave her team a leadoff jam win and a 2 point lead over TARG, and the whole half featured quick, well-structured packs that made each point a hard fought victory. Annie Wreckison of DRR proved a blocker to watch with many whips to her jammers. Not to be overshadowed, Tornado Alley’s Demon Doll stepped into the jammer panty to score 4 points for her team while the TARG blockers kept DRR’s jammer at bay. It would prove to be a somewhat loosely call bout, with a number of elbows flying but very few skaters entering the penalty box over the course of the action. The highlight of the half, though, was a beautiful assist by Tornado Alley’s skilled blocker Joanie Crash to teammate Faerie Mean. The first half ended at Rumblers 49, TARG 39.

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On the heels of the Pacific Northwest’s recent Throwdown in the Sound men’s tournament comes signs of increasing boy-derby organization in the Northeast — Massachusetts’ Pioneer Valley Dirty Dozen, New York Shock Exchange and Baltimore’s Harm City Homicide (of which your humble correspondent is a member) have formed a loose alliance by the name of the Men’s Derby Coalition and released a short open letter to the derby community in leading up to the Eastern Men’s Derby Conference (or, as I’ve been calling it, DudeCon.) In Bazooka Joe’s words, from the letter:

Over the coming months and years HCH, NYSE and PVRD will continue to devote our time and energy to the positive expansion of Flat Track Roller Derby. Though it is a bit premature to speak of a national organization, we are in early stages of coalescing the existing men’s Derby concerns around the country to form a constructive environment for new male teams. In keeping with this effort, our three clubs will offer our support to help any and all developing men’s leagues learn the game, handle logistics and gain exposure.
 

First on the agenda for our emerging group is a small men’s Derby summit to be held in New York City on Saturday, April 5th. This event will consist of a few organized scrimmages, some open pick-up games, a bit of training and a whole lot of brainstorming & discussion. Tickets will not be sold to the general public, but interested Rollerfolk are invited to come and meet the fellows and watch the action on the track. For more information please check out the website: The Eastern Men’s Derby Conference.

You can read the whole thing here.

No details on quite how this went down yet, but it looks like last Saturday’s bout between unranked Cincinnati and unranked Naptown set a new record for the lowest total score ever in a WFTDA-regulation bout — Cincinnati won 59-32. That total score of 91 slides in comfortably below the previous low of 111, set in December 2007 when Minnesota defeated Arizona by a final of 87-24.

Cincinnati’s 59 points also set a record for the lowest score by a winning team in a WFTDA-regulation bout … previously, that record had been held by Philly’s 62-56 defeat of Bay Area in November 2007.

(And if you’re wondering, no, I didn’t know that off the top of my head — let us all bow in supplication to the stats geeks over at Flat Track Stats, who have created a wonderful database tool with which we can all nerd out for hours on end. If you have not yet checked out that site, I must urge you to do so at your earliest convenience.)

UPDATE: Professor Murder has some interesting stats in the comments — including the fact that the third period was Cincinnati 10, Naptown 8!

UPDATE 2: Here’s some bout footage shot by Cincinnati’s Miss Print for Cincinnati.com, and absolutely do not miss the last third of this video podcast by Doing Indy — unquestionably some of the best-edited derby footage we’ve ever seen.

FEASTERVILLE, PA — On Saturday, March 15, Philly’s local Heavy Metal Hookers team continued a remarkable resurgence by defeating the Debutante Brawlers, a visiting local team from Carolina Roller Girls, 77-65. After starting their existence 1-6 over the course of the first two Philly home seasons, the Hookers have now won two in a row in 2008 against tough interleague competition.

A near-capacity crowd looked on as the first match-up in the doubleheader started with Robin Drugstores jamming for the Hookers and Carolina’s Holly Wanna Crackya wearing the star for the Brawlers. Crackya picked up lead jammer status but was only able to gain one point before calling off the jam after just over one minute. Mandawar followed her effort by earning LJ and converting it into the first 4 points of the evening for the Hookers. That jam also saw a hit of questionable legality from Hooker Wreckin’ Eyez that kept opposing jammer Faye Tality scoreless — and also kept her out of the action for the remainder of the evening.

The Hookers never surrendered their lead. Wendy Whiplash’s effort in the fourth jam - a 12-2 decision over Deviled Legs - and a virtuoso performance by former Carolina skater Teflon Donna - a 15-0 run against Legs just four jams after Wendy’s outing - helped to seal the Hookers’ advantage early in the bout. In the latter jam, Teflon took full advantage of a one-minute penalty to Legs: though she was declared lead jammer, Teflon let the clock run to its two-minute limit and racked up a pair of extra points for lapping the pack with her counterpart in the box.

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