derby news network

DETROIT, MI — While it wasn’t quite a case of “old age and treachery overcoming youth and skill,” the superior experience of the Detroit Pistoffs enabled them to easily defeat the D-Funk Allstars 102-59 in the Drill Hall at the Masonic Temple in Detroit, Michigan. Going into the game, the Pistoffs roster featured 11 players with a total of 94 derby games of experience, while D-Funk had only 10 players on wheels with a total of 29 games of experience. And 14 of those experience-games belonged to team captain Black Eyed Skeez.

The Allstars had to borrow Kat Von D’Stroya from the Pistolwhippers just to have 10 players for the game, as they were missing Juicy Contusion and Tiny Ninja due to injuries, and assistant captain Cat’s Meow is on maternity leave. The Allstars were also hard hit in the off season when they lost four experienced skaters to other teams. The Allstars had five rookies (Eight Mile Rose, Fatal Femme, Polly Fester, Roxanna Hardplace, Seoul Slayer) in their lineup compared to only two “fresh meat” (Beaver Fever, Violet-N-Deed) for the Pistoffs.

But derby is derby, and teams must compete with what they have. That being said, the D-Funk Allstars made a good accounting of themselves in the game’s opening period.

D-Funk jammer Roxanna Hardplace is in the wrong place after taking a tumble over Pistoffs pivot Elle McFearsome. Photo credit: Filthy Luka

Rookie Polly Fester jammed for D-Funk in the opening jam against the Pistoffs Rude Awakening. Polly got lead jammer when the Allstars Fatal Femme took a well earned major penalty by wiping out the Pistoffs jammer, thus also enabling Polly to score a grand slam and a 5-0 lead for the Allstars. The Pistoffs Elle McFearsome countered in jam 2, passing easily through the pack on the inside and scoring a grand slam of her own in a 9-3 jam over Ima Wrecker to give the Pistoffs a 9-8 lead.

Then it was Polly Fester’s turn again in jam 3, besting former D-Funker Vega Vendetta 4-1 and flipping the score to 12-10 for the Allstars. Polly got the lead, scored, and quickly called off the jam, just the way the derby textbooks say to do it (that is, if there were any derby textbooks around!). In the 5th jam of the opening period, Kat Von D’Stroya leaped over Elle McFearsome’s attempted leg block to score another 4-1 jam for the Allstars, putting the D-Funk lead back at five points, 16-11.

After the Pistoffs Cookie Rumble and D-Funk’s Roxanna Hardplace skated to a 3-3 deadlock in jam 6, the Pistoffs Vega Vendetta jammed three times consecutively (spending a minute in the penalty box along the way), outscoring the D-Funk 15-7 in those jams to put the Pistoffs back on top, 29-26. The Pistoffs couldn’t score in the final three jams of the period, while Polly Fester scored a 4-0 jam in jam 11 to make the score at the first intermission 30-29 for the D-Funk. Things were looking OK for the Allstars at that point, and it looked like their rookies would be able to skate with the Pistoffs.

Elle McFearsome holds down the front of the pack. Photo credit: Filthy Luka

In the opening game of the ‘08 DDG season, where the Devil’s Night Dames defeated the Pistolwhippers 151-138, the jammers eschewed calling off jams and instead went around for second and third scoring passes even though that allowed the opposition jammer to also score. The 1st period of this Pistoffs-Allstars game was a much different story — the jammers were almost universally getting lead jammer status, scoring, and then calling the jam before the other jammer could score. Each team had five leads, and two jams went the full two minutes without a lead jammer.

There was also some nice blocking in the period. In jam 8, the Pistoffs Cookie Rumble wiped out the D-Funk jammer Damsel Distresser, causing Damsel to get stuck in the pack while the Pistoffs jammer Vega Vendetta was able to come out of the penalty box and circle the track. And then on that same jam Cookie’s sister, Elle McFearsome, tripped Damsel. Elle received her 4th minor penalty which sent her to the box, but Damsel did not score on that jam. The final jam of the 1st period started with only 55 seconds left on the clock, and the Pistoffs’ Rude Awakening got lead, but was passed by the Allstars Kat Von D’Stroya. Rude then waited until Kat got near the back of the pack and then adroitly called the jam.

In the 2nd period, the Pistoffs asserted themselves and had their way with the Allstars. Rude Awakening jammed the 1st jam versus Black Eyed Skeez. Rude got lead, Skeez got stuck in the pack, Rude scored, then called the jam winning the jam 4-0 and putting the Pistoffs in front to stay, leading at that time 33-30. Effin’ Money made it another 4-0 jam over Polly Fester and the Allstars in the 2nd jam, giving the Pistoffs a 37-30 lead.

It got far worse for the D-Funkers after that. In the 2nd period, the Pistoffs outscored D-Funk by a 42-6 margin, shutting D-Funk out in nine of the period’s 12 jams. The Pistoffs were aided in that by grabbing lead in nine jams to only two leads for D-Funk. And the hits just kept on comin’ in the period. The 3rd jam was scoreless between Black Eyed Skeez and Vega Vendetta, and during that jam Skeez was abusing Vega behind the pack. It wasn’t until there were only 26 seconds left in that jam when Skeez finally got lead for D-Funk, and there wasn’t enough time to jet around the pack to score.

Pistoffs blocker Smashing Darling and pivot Bikini Killer are not particularly keen on letting D-Funk jammer Polly Fester beat them to the outside. Photo credit: Filthy Luka

Kat Von D’Stroya got the only other lead for D-Funk in jam 5, although she had to survive a hard hit from Cookie Rumble. In that jam, the Pistoffs Devil Kitty picked up a major penalty for taking Kat down from behind, and before Kat could recover and call the jam, she was outscored 4-3 by the opportunistic Vega Vendetta. In jam 8, Cookie Rumble bounced Polly Fester off the hardwood. In jam 9, Polly was jamming for D-Funk and got sent to the box. The Pistoffs blockers astutely slowed the pack to make it easier for their jammer Vega Vendetta to come around and score a grand slam.

The D-Funkers were dishing out the hits, too. In jam 11, Vega was lead jammer but was passed by Roxanna Hardplace — who then was banished to the penalty box, leaving the Allstars without a jammer. Vega had scored seven points on that jam when Black Eyed Skeez sent Vega flying off the track, almost landing in the announcer’s table. Instead of getting up and continuing, Vega decided she had enough points for that jam and called it off. And then in the final jam of the period, jam 12, the Pistoffs’ Bikini Killer wasted Roxanna when Roxanna came out of the penalty box, driving poor Ms. Hardplace into the media seating. After two periods, the Pistoffs easily led 71-36.

The D-Funk Allstars rebounded somewhat in the 3rd period and played the Detroit Pistoffs somewhat evenly. Each team got lead in five of the 11 jams, and although the Pistoffs had the edge in scoring 31-23 in the period, it was still hard-hitting derby action throughout. Polly Fester tried to get her team back into it with a 5-0 grand slam jam to open the period, but then Elle McFearsome answered for the Pistoffs with a 7-1 grand slam jam of her own.

The Pistoffs got three more grand slams later in the period from Elle, Cookie Rumble, and Effin’ Money, while Polly and Ima Wrecker slammed the Pistoffs twice more. The blockers continued hitting anything that moved on the track right to the very end, and on the very last jam with about 29 seconds left in the game, D-Funk’s Ima Wrecker got sent to the penalty box. The Pistoffs Bikini Killer waved a “bye bye” to Ima as she left the track. At the end of the game, the scoreboard said it all: Detroit Pistoffs 102, D-Funk Allstars 59.

Pistoffs jammer Effin’ Money picked up 20 points on 7 jams. Photo credit: Filthy Luka

For the statistically minded, the Pistoffs Vega Vendetta led all scorers with 41 points while jamming 14 times. She got lead 6 times, and tallied 1 grand slam. Other Pistoffs scorers: Elle McFearsome (25 pts, 5 jams, 2 leads, 3 slams); Effin’ Money (20 pts, 7 jams, 6 leads, 1 slam); Cookie Rumble (12 pts, 4 jams, 2 leads, 1 slam); Rude Awakening (4 pts, 4 jams, 2 leads); Violet-N-Deed (0 pts, 1 jam, 1 lead). Polly Fester led the D-Funk with a fine rookie performance of 25 points in 12 jams, 4 leads, and 3 grand slams. Other D-Funk scorers: Ima Wrecker (13 pts, 6 jams, 3 leads, 1 slam); Kat Von D’Stroya (12 pts, 5 jams, 3 leads); Roxanna Hardplace (6 pts, 7 jams); Eight Mile Rose (3 pts, 1 jam, 1 lead); Black Eyed Skeez (0 pts, 2 jams, 1 lead); Damsel Distresser (0 pts, 2 jams).

The Pistoffs Elle McFearsome was named Most Valuable Player of the game. Besides scoring 25 points, Elle also racked up 26 defensive blocks, 8 assists, and was a plus 45 for the game while skating in 57% of the jams. Her sister Cookie Rumble also skated a typically outstanding game, with 12 points, 34 defensive blocks, 15 assists, plus 49 while skating in 74% of the jams. The Pistoffs also relied on their experienced blocking corps of Bikini Killer (36 blocks, 74%), Smashing Darling (28 blocks, 57%), and Rude Awakening (24 blocks, 57%). Rookies Violet-N-Deed and Beaver Fever only skated in 23% and 11% of the jams respectively.

For the D-Funk, Black Eyed Skeez had a very strong game with 36 defensive blocks while skating in a phenomenal 83% of the jams. Rookie Fatal Femme skated in 71% of the jams for D-Funk while earning 24 blocks and Damsel Distresser tabulated 30 blocks while skating 60% of the jams. Other D-Funk rookies gained a lot of track time in this game. Polly Fester skated in 54% of the jams, Roxanna Hardplace 51%, Eight Mile Rose 40%, and Seoul Slayer 17%.

Although they were beaten by 43 points, D-Funk captain Black Eyed Skeez did a pretty good job assembling a raw bunch of recruits in the past few months and turning them into a derby team. Aside from the disastrous 2nd period, they did manage to win the 1st period and only lost the 3rd period by eight points. With a bit more experience for their rookies, the D-Funk can only move up in the standings.

The Pistoffs are now in the lead for the 2008 DDG regular season with a 1-0 record and a +43 points differential. The Devil’s Night Dames are also 1-0, but are only +13 so they are technically in second place. The Pistolwhippers are third at 0-1 and -13, while the D-Funk Allstars are last at 0-1 and -43.

The next DDG regular season game is on Saturday, January 12, when the Detroit Pistoffs return to action vs. the Pistolwhippers. These two teams have met twice before. The first meeting was for the 2006 DDG Championship which the Pistoffs won 121-113. The Pistolwhippers won the rematch in the 2007 regular season 125-122 — so who will come out on top this time is anyone’s guess. You can see all of the action for yourself by coming out to the Masonic Temple in Detroit, Michigan. Doors open at 6:00 pm, action starts on the track at 7:00 pm. Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 at the door. Check out http://www.detroitderbygirls.com for more info.