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OLD BETHPAGE, NY. –

By day, you might mistake them for “normal” young ladies who function as contributing members to society — bed-pan emptiers, shorthand specialists, full time housecat-sitters, paint-drying-monitors, or any number of other semi-rewarding acceptable careers for those marginal members of society who otherwise would be better off barefoot and pregnant, with bound feet.

But … you could not be more wrong. These women are, in fact, maladjusted freaks, living on the margins of society. At night, they strap on stinky skate pads and knock the snot out of each other. And, curiously enough, crazed mobs of anti-social hell-bound deviants pay hard-earned money to watch it happen.

It was just such a spectacle Saturday night here in Long Island, where the home town WFTDA Long Island Roller Rebels league All-Stars hosted the cream of the crop from North Carolina’s Cape Fear Roller Girls. The Carolinans survived an 11-hour drive to take the day, 111-99, in an evenly matched bout which featured good play from both developing leagues.

In the first jam, Long Island rolled out their strongest jamming threat, C-Roll, and Cape Fear countered with Crash Nasty, a multi-talented jammer/blocker who proved to be one of the evening’s biggest and busiest stars. Long Island took the opener, 4-3, heralding a see-saw first period. Next up, Tits McVenom of the Cape Fear ladies immediately proved herself to be the fastest skater on the track this evening, using strong speed skating form to elude a diving takedown attempt from both of LIRR’s Deadly Weapons (#34DD), winning a 5-0 grand slam over Summer Slam.

Long Island’s Amaretto Sourpuss then triumphed 4-3 over Cape Fear’s Suicide Barbie. In a violent jam #4, jammer Crash Nasty got aggresive and attacked LIRR’s jammer Trixie Timebomb directly off the line, taking out her opposite number, but then immediately was punished by LIRR’s Captain Morgan. Trixie was then taken down by Cape Fear’s Dee Spies, and at the end of a series of traded takedowns and pileups it was Crash who won the jam for Cape Fear, 4-3, putting the early score at Cape Fear 14, Long Island 11.

C-Roll then got LIRR back in the lead with a 4-0 over Cape Fear’s Dixie Diesel by taking a handy uniform-whip from teammate Bicardi Simone. Diesel found herself stuck behind LIRR’s Captain Morgan at the back of the pack, and C-Roll might have been able to score more, had not Diesel been blocked out of play and had her skate wrapped in the microphone cords of the LIRR announcers Jake Steel and Matthew Scott La Rock.

Next, Long Island’s Summer Slam was silenced by a huge hit from Megan U Begg, while her jammer, Tits McVenom, survived big hits from Anna Tramp and Captain Morgan to gain lead and a 5-point grand slam. Captain Morgan’s heroics continued on the following jam, as Crash McNasty of Cape Fear gained lead jammer thanks to seal-off help up front from her pivot Suicide Barbie, but Crash called off the jam at 0-0 because she was also unable to penetrate the pack for any points thanks to the Captain’s wall at the back.

At this point in the bout, a pattern was developing. Cape Fear’s blockers and jammers as a whole were a touch faster than the Roller Rebels, but Long Island seemed to understand the pack rules a bit better, allowing Cape Fear to send 2 or 3 blockers far far ahead of the pack, while trapping a single Cape Fear blocker behind the Long Island wall in order to form the official pack. The blockers ahead of the pack were repeatedly penalized for 20ft violations, or forced to disengage and allow the Long Island jammer to pass. In this way, Long Island was generally able to keep things close. And when this wasn’t working, the duo of Captain Morgan and Anna Tramp was quick to punish their slighter opponents with blows which took them to the rink floor.

Long Island’s Summer Slam was taken down by Wendy Hitty, and then was hit with a trip to the penalty box after scoring just two. Dixie Diesel of Cape Fear, however, was only able to take 3 of her own. Next it was Long Island’s turn to send their jammer (Regine Bull) to the box, and Suicide Barbie capitalized with a grand slam lap for 5 points plus an additional 2 points before Long Island pivot C-Roll stopped the bleeding with a shut-down bootie block.

Tits then took a 4-0, and in the following jam LIRR found a big moment of glory. Crash Nasty was sent to the box for her fourth minor, and Long Island’s top blocking lineup — Captain Morgan, Anna Tramp, Regine Bull, and MadDonna took complete control, slowing the pack to a crawl and allowing C-Roll to zip through the pack, untouched, for a 15-0 shutout that put Long Island back in front, 32-27.

Amaretto Sourpuss fought past a crushing block from First Degree Marie to gain lead jammer, but Dixie from Cape Fear took more points, 3-2. Summer Slam and Megan U Beg closed out the period with a 0-0, but not before Crash Nasty made a nice clearing block against Long Island’s Helluva Bottom Carter to clear the inside for her Cape Fear teammate Megan.

The first period ended at 34 LIRR, 30 Cape Fear. LIRR’s big blocking guns were hitting more aggressively, and LIRR seemed to have a better plan for controlling the pack and trapping people 20 feet away. Cape Fear, however, had shown a deeper and more consistent jamming lineup, and had shown off their speediest weapon, Tits McVenom, using her only thrice as a point-scorer.

The multi-league ref posse of Psycho Billy (LIRR), mrRAWK!!! (GGRD), Jeferee (LIRR),
Endless Justin (kneeling) (GGRD), Pachinko (GGRD), Guy N’Cologist (LIRR), Sugar Daddy (NJ Dirty Dames),
Thrillhouse (Garden State), Atticus Lynch (Cape Fear), Joey Jager (LIRR Stats)

PERIOD 2

Cape Fear used the break wisely, seemingly identifying the biggest LIRR weapons and their own biggest strengths. They won the first six jams of the period by a combined score of 33-7, taking a commanding 63-41 lead. Big moments included the fourth jam, a 8-4 Cape Fear victory, in which Tits McVenom twice blocked LIRR jammer Amaretto Sourpuss down to the floor — each time when she was nearly escaping from the pack. Two james later, Tits scored a 10-0 against C-Roll, who fouled out of the jam while attempting to battle through a wall of Crash Nasty and First Degree Marie.

LIRR managed to put the brakes on a bit in the seventh jam, when C-Roll won a 4-3 over Dixie Diesel, in what could have been a larger victory had not pivot Suicide Barbie held C-Roll in the pack for several laps with a beautiful solo booty block. Next, Crash Nasty was taken out with a huge hit by both of LIRR’s Deadly Weapons, leading to a 5-0 grand slam victory for LIRR’s Summer Slam. But this victory for LIRR was immediately countered by a 7-0 jam by Suicide Barbie, who benefited from a trip to the box for the LIRR jammer.

On the following jam, Tits McVenom took advantage of a big inside clearing block by teammate First Degree Marie, nearly earning lead jammer before LIRR’s MadDonna bounced Tits to the inside, preventing a Lead Jammer call. Long Island was lucky to escape with a 4-4 tie in this jam in which their jammer started in the box.

Dixie Diesel picked up a 4-0 while Amaretto Sourpuss was repeatedly blocked out of play by Crash Nasty. Suicide Barbie was next up for Cape Fear, and she was shut out by a pretty pink wall of LIRR’s Helluva Bottom Carter, Captain Morgan, and Regine Bull. Their teammate C-Roll cruised to her own 4-0 victory to close out the 2nd period at Cape Fear 81, Long Island 58.

At this point in the game, Long Island blockers were showing signs of frustration and fatigue. Cape Fear’s blockers were not stronger hitters, but they were more persistent distractors, drawing Long Island players away from the action to allow the Cape Fear jammers clear passage. Long Island blockers were still consistently putting Cape Fear skaters on the floor, but it wasn’t always the right target — their target was often a trailing blocker, far behind or outside of the action.

PERIOD 3

In the third period, Cape Fear played a very smart time-kill game, either claiming lead jammer and settling for low-scoring point trades, or clamping down on Long Island jammers to keep them from scoring multiple laps worth of points.

The second jam of the period was a rare two minute jam with the low score of 2-0, as Captain Morgan and Bicardi Simone dumped Cape Fear’s Dixie Diesel under the announcer’s table. Crash Nasty then jammed against Regine Bull and once again played the aggressor, taking out both Regine and herself in a big corner-3 pileup, killing clock time before calling off another low-scoring jam.

Jam 5 saw an accidental derby rarity — a six-point lap. Tits McVenom and C-Roll each broke through the pack, and Tits picked up 4 points in her scoring lap. C-Roll was slowed by a big hit to her waist from the butt of Wendy Hitty, and while she recovered, Tits lapped through the pack again for what ought to have been 5 additional points before calling it off. The referees conferred afterward and realized that Long Island had been fielding five blockers throughout the jam — some in the box, but five nonetheless. After conferring with both captains, Long Island’s head referee Jeferee decided to award five and six points for each lap, for a total of 11 points.

Foul trouble started piling up for Long Island, who rarely skated with a full slate of 4 blockers in this period, and often were skating 2 blockers while pushing the 2-skater penalty box cap.

In the seventh jam, Crash Nasty immediately picked up her fourth minor with a false start and was sent to the box. C-Roll, however, couldn’t capitalize, and was also sent to the box with a cut of the track. In the following jam, with blockers filling in for jammers, Tits McVenom had an easy time picking up eight points for Cape Fear, while MadDonna, in a rare jamming appearance, remained hot on her trail for four points before being taken out of the picture by First Degree Marie. In this jam, Long Island’s Captain Morgan personally took down three separate Cape Fear blockers with three devastating hits, giving the home crowd big reasons to cheer.

By the tenth jam, the bout was all but over, with a 105-76 lead for Cape Fear. Amaretto Sourpuss, however, made things interesting with a 7-0 tally against a jammerless Cape Fear defense. In this jam, she seemingly plowed over Cape Fear’s The Perminator with a blatant block to the back on the straightaway in front of the penalty box, and many Cape Fear partisans in the crowd howled for a major penalty against the jammer. Visiting Gotham outside pack referee Pachinko, however, made the call that The Perminator was actually skating backwards at the time she was plowed over, having exited the box and immediately backed upstream to attack the jammer. This left Amaretto blameless and gave The Perminator a nice fat ‘illegal procedure’ major penalty to contemplate.

C-Roll then scored 12 for Long Island, as jammer Crash Nasty both began and ended the jam in the box. While Crash temporarily escaped, she did score four points, despite a demolishing hit from Anna Tramp. The following jam was a 0-0, an effective time kill by Cape Fear, leaving 1:07 on the clock with a 14 point lead to defend.

In the final jam, C-Roll grabbed a whip from MadDonna’s pants to get Lead Jammer and 4 points, but Crash Nasty, now jamming her fourth jam in a row due to foul trouble, picked up 2 points of her own and the game ended at 111-99.

Long Island and Cape Fear skaters, post-bout, along with “Panda-monium!!” (at right)

Next up, Cape Fear begins their off-season, while Long Island has a date on Sunday, December 9th at WFTDA’s Connecticut Rollergirls.

(Unofficial) scoring leaders:

C-Roll (LIRR): 54 points, 12 jams
Tits McVenom (CFRG): 52 points, 9 jams
Crash Nasty (CFRG): 27 points, 14 jams